Fun Fact: Alpacas can spit regurgitated stomach bile up to 10 feet!
Oh, well howdy there’s stranger! I didn’t see you come in. I bet you’re wondering what a dazzling country fellow like myself is looking dressed up so dapper-like. No, it’s not for this year’s stock show, but there’s a quite easy explanation for it. I’m just getting all gussied up for the upcoming, online Single Tractor Mingle. What in tarnation! You haven’t heard of the Single Tractor Mingle? Single tractor dating has become all the rage over the last few years and we’re really excited to move it onto an online venue. I honestly found it’s the only place that people like us can truly connect and meet with other like-minded individuals who find joy and simplicity in the rural lifestyle. Not sure if you’re eligible to be one of the participants in Single Tractor Mingle? You’ve simply got to ask yourself a few questions.
Don’t be a chicken, get yourself ready for Single Tractor Mingle!
First, do you simply love and enjoy a rural lifestyle away from all the hubbub of the cities and the suburbs? I swear them city folk don’t know their head from their own ass, and my ass has won the blue ribbon for years at the Oklahoma City burro race. If you answer yes to this question, then you’re well on your way to being one of the participants in Single Tractor Mingle. The second question is another easy one. Do you either have a love for the land or a love for animal stewardship that just can’t be reconciled by having a dog or a cat in some fancy pants New York City apartment? If’n You simply need to feel that soil betwixt your toes or those ripe, plump utters betwixt your fingers, then you have the answer to this second question. Third, and of course most important, is how big is your tractor? Now, I don’t want to go making no innuendos or nothing, but it’s important for any farmer or rancher to have a nice functional tractor. I know you disillusioned city slickers might be asking me why a tractor is so damn important, and I’ll tell you why. Have you ever tried mucking out two tons of horse and chicken shit without a tractor? Have you ever tried drilling a fence post without an auger attachment? You ever harvest the back 40 without a CVT-equipped combine rigged for threshing? Well you oughta know that if you ain’t got a tractor, you ain’t gonna get the job done. Simply put, a tractor is one of the most important reasons that you may be eligible for Single Tractor Mingle.
Even emu farmers need some lovin’.
Now, I know there’s no accounting for taste out there, which is why at Single Tractor Mingle we’re trying to create friendships, business relations, and romances that are going to last a lifetime. We’ve modeled this beautiful night of tractor mingling off some of the speed dating so popular in urban regions. Not only is this a chance to network with other farmers and ranchers just like yourself, but who knows what kind of future business opportunities it could open up. It’ also a chance to potentially meet the one true love of your life. Now if that ain’t beautiful, I don’t know what is! At Single Tractor Mingle we pride ourselves in making lifelong relationships, romances, partnerships, and friendships. We’re really bringing together rural communities across this great big beautiful country. If you answered yes to the questions from earlier, then let me be first to welcome you to the next online Single Tractor Mingle! While I will admit things are still in the works and we’re still trying to figure out this internet thing, I can promise it is going to be an experience of a lifetime. Single Tractor Mingle is a roughly two-hour-long experience where you’re going to meet some of those dazzling yet down-to-earth cowgirls and cowboys (and maybe even cows) out there. I ain’t one to judge your lifestyle choices partner. So, keep you an eye out on that Dastardly Deeds Murder Mysteries website because Single Tractor Mingle is gonna be coming soon, y’all. This is where life-long friendships are built. This is where the business partners of tomorrow meet. This is where romances steamier than a cow pie in January are formed. So, whether you’re a pig packer from Poughkeepsie, a beef baroness from outside of Baltimore, a corn cultivator from California, a sod-seeder from San Antonio, a chicken coop king from Colorado, or a dairy damsel from the Dakotas, put you on your dress spurs and dust off your best hat. It’s time for Single Tractor Mingle!
Keep an Eye Out for Single Tractor Mingle. Launching 2/1/2021!
